Hi all, this is a project I had planned for my YouTube channel: a mini-sitcom of sorts. As of now, it’s too logistically hard (and financially expensive) for me to produce, but I thought I’d share the first episode’s script here. Enjoy!
[theme sequence]
(Joy stands in Kate’s room, which is dramatically covered in clothes. Kate is yet to be seen)
Joy: Are you sure it’s in there?
Kate: It’s gotta be! I’m sure I put it in here. I sent it to the dry cleaners, procrastinated picking it up for a month and a half, eventually did pick it up, and shoved it into my closet still in the protective plastic.
Joy: Maybe you just dreamed you picked it up.
Kate: No, my dreams are never that mundane, it’s always something weird. Like owning a sushi resteraunt even though I’ve never eaten sushi, talking to a zebra who insists my name is Kevin, or having one of my male friends admit he has feelings for me. They’re always completely unrealistic so there’s no way- Aha!
[Kate emerges from the closet] [audience applause noises]
[Kate turns to address the camera] [camera zooms in]
Kate: Don’t worry. This isn’t the kind of show with a laugh track, I’ve just always wanted people to applaud when I enter a room. This is however the kind of show that has its main character look to the camera to represent her inner thoughts. Right now I’m thinking of how fun it’d be if my life were a sitcom. Also my shoulder itches.
[she turns to Joy, scratching her shoulder before holding up the item she’d been looking for]
Kate: See? I told you I picked it up!
Joy: It’s not in the plastic.
Kate: But! It’s not at the dry cleaners!
Joy: Speaking of cleaners, what are you going to do about this mess?
Kate: (surveying the mess with wide eyes) Well, the way I see it, I have two options. Number one, shove it all back in the closet and hope it doesn’t swallow me in an avalanche when I open my closet again.
Joy: Or?
Kate: Or we do a middle school style fashion show.
Joy: Oh, I don’t know, I have a lot of housework to do at home.
Kate: More than this?
Joy: No, but this is your fault. You made your bed now you have to lie in it.
Kate: Girl, I can’t even see my bed. Besides, is mopping your kitchen going to be as fun as playing dress up with your best friend?
Joy: (giving in) Okay, fine. But there better be a montage.
Kate: [to camera] oh there’s gonna be a montage. Wait, I don’t have the money to buy the rights to a good song. Oh crap, is this montage about to be set to an Acapella cover of a pop song? Or worse, royalty free music?
[we cut to a montague of them putting on clothes to a royalty freesong, this lasts 15 seconds before ending] [we open on a shot of the two organizing their next outfits]
Joy: Why do you even have most of these? I’ve never seen you wear half of what you have in your closet.
Kate: Well, if you’ve never seen me wear it, it’s either a formal, a mem, or a maybs.
[to camera]
Kate: A mem is an outfit conntected to a memory. For example, my graduation robes that I painted, hence ruining their resalability. A maybs is a piece that I like, but just can’t seem to match with anything else I currently own. As inevitable as it is that I will never actuall wear it, I hold onto it because I have hope that I’ll find the other half of the outfit. A formal is self-explanitoty.
[cut back to a shot of the two of them]
Joy: A formal?
Kate: [to camera, which zooms in as she addressed the audience] ooh, maybe not.
Kate: [to Joy] Formalwear. Fancy dresses I bought from GoodWill because I’m too poor to afford the real thing and too lazy to return anything I buy online. I’m not in college so I don’t get invited to formals, but I keep a dress just in case an opportunity comes up.
Joy: Oh, right. I have shoes like that.
Kate: How do I still have so many clothes left out?
Joy: They’re multiplying. How about we do Disney channel wear for the next round of dress up?
[we cut to a talking head segment, played over a shot of the TV playing a few Disney channel movies and shows]
Kate: (VO) I don’t know who was in charge of Disney channel's outfits in the 2000s to 2010s, but they deserve a raise for making me believe that cool kids would wear fedoras, vests, and flannel that often. They had me convinced that layering was always the way to improve an outfit. If their costume designer wasn’t an extraterrestrial or blessed by God Himself, I’ll eat one of my hats, which is probably an inadvisable way to clean up my room.
[cut back to Kate and Joy]
Joy: Do you think you own enough dorkish layers for this?
Kate: [to camera] the important question is can I afford the rights to a Disney Channel pop hit without getting sued?
[we cut to a montage set to an Acapella cover of a Disney Channel hit, probably one from Princess Protection Program]
[quick cut when Kate exits the bathroom in a Disney Channel-esque outfit]
Kate: I guess that’s a no.
[cut back to twenty more seconds of a montage]
[the montage ends when Kate exits the bathroom in THE MOST absurd outfit]
[music cuts as Joy bursts out laughing]
Joy: Oh my gosh, you’d be a great side character.
Kate: Aw man, that’s what my mom said.
Joy: No seriously, with that outfit, you’d fit right in on Disney Channel.
Kate: I’m Kate Gallen and you’re watching Disney Channel. (sings the theme and does the mouse ears)
Kate: [to camera] don’t edit that to show what I actually drew. I’m aware it’s bad.
[we zoom back out]
Joy: let’s be honest, Disney would never hire you. They’d worry about you saying something stupid at the red carpet.
Kate: (snort) They should be more worried about me taking too many sweets from craft services.
[Joy laughs and walks over to add clothes to the closet and stops] [switch to shot from closet POV]
Joy: Um, I think you’re running out of room in here.
[Kate joins and her eyes go wide]
Kate: All of these clothes came from in here! How on earth do they not fit?
Joy: Maybe they really are multiplying.
Kate: (sigh) I need to get rid of some clothes.
Joy: Dibs on the denim jacket.
Kate: You’re crazy if you think I would get rid of that.
Joy: Well, what are you getting rid of?
[Kate reaches in and grabs a few things]
Kate: Maybe I could do a yard sale.
Joy: I think your neighbors are too smart to buy anything you’d sell.
Kate: What makes you think that?
Joy: (raises an eyebrow) how many times have you dropped something when trying to open your car?
[cut to shot with text reading “earlier that week”] [Kate tries to open her car door and drops a box full of stuff]
Kate: Oh snickerdoodle!
[cut back to main scene]
Kate: Fair enough. I’ll make some fliers so people who know nothing about me come to buy stuff.
Joy: Well, have fun. I’ve got floors to mop.
Kate: You’re kidding, right? You’ve got to stay and help me.
Joy: I’m pretty sure I’ve already done all of the obligatory friendship stuff today.
Kate: Fine, but if you leave, you won’t get to dress up in a crazy costume and use a faux accent while we try to sell some of my clothes.
Joy: (long pause) throw in the jean jacket and you’ve got a deal.
[Kate grabs the jacket and tosses it to her]
[cut to outside] [we see a few shots of clothes on tables and people looking at them, set to music] [then establishing shot] [cut to shot of Kate and Joy]
Joy: Are you sure this is a good idea?
Kate: Anything’s a good idea if you have enough duct tape.
Joy: That makes no sense.
Kate: Just trust me, okay? We didn’t do highschool drama to not apply it in our adulthood.
Joy: We took it because it beat doing chorus.
Kate: Exactly. This will be fun.
[Joy nods, surveying the people wandering around the tables]
[Joy grabs a pair of sunglasses] [push zoom as she puts them on]
Joy: Let’s do this.
[cut to shot of Woman A from behind, purusing shelves] [pan left, we see Kate in full disguise]
[cut to shot of Woman A from front]
Woman A: Oh, hello.
[cut to Kate] [she uses the old lady voice]
Kate: Hello, dearie. How are you?
[cut to Woman A] [she holds up a dress]
Woman A: Good. How much for this piece?
[we pan to Kate, who’s nodding very seriously]
Kate: Well, this piece here is vintage.
Woman A: It is?
Kate: It is. It’s from when I was in high school, way way back in the day.
[we cut to shot of Woman A]
Woman A: But you’re like twenty-one.
[cut back]
Kate: Aww, you’re sweet.
[look to camera]
Kate: Twenty-two but who’s counting. [wink]
[look back]
Kate: I’m actually- [coughs]- well enough about me. A vintage piece like this will run you about thirty bucks anywhere else. I, however, will part with it for twenty dollars and twenty-five cents.
Woman A: (putting the piece back) I’ll think about it.
[cut to Joy and Man A]
Man A: I don’t know, with the tear here it might not be worth four bucks.
Joy: (with valley girl accent) no trust me, doll. Your daughter wants the tear in it. It’s very in right now. It shows that she’s not someone to mess with and proud of it.
Man A: She does really want more skirts like this.
Joy: And you’re not going to find one at a better price, trust me. Except maybe at GoodWill and those clothes come with a weird smell. Not ours though. Go ahead sniff it.
Man: Is that nutmeg?
[cut to shot of Joy dumping nutmeg into a box labeled “for clothes sale”]
[cut back]
Joy: Yes. Nutmeg is also in. All the influencers smell like nutmeg.
[pan to Kate a ways away, she addresses the camera]
Kate: Aw, I’m going to miss that skirt. I wanted to wear it when Harry and I were going out. But then he dumped me and I never got to wear it. It’s comforting to know that someone else will get to potentially have that same experience.
[shot of money exchanging hands between Joy and Man A]
[cut to Woman B and Kate] [Woman B holds a dress]
Woman B: Is this a genuine piece?
Kate: (still in old lady disguise and voice) It’s as genuine as my knees.
Woman B: How genuine are your knees?
Kate: As genuine as the honey in my kitchen.
[Cut to Kate in the kitchen, pulling honey out of the pantry.]
(Kate reads the label)
Kate: Made with two percent honey? How is that even possible? That’s like not putting fruit in a fruit by the foot!
(she pauses and pulls a fruit by the foot out of the pantry) (she reads the label)
Kate: You’ve got to be kidding me!
[cut back to yard sale]
Woman B: Okay… Um… will you take ten for it?
Kate: Ten things of honey?
Woman B: Ten dollars.
Kate: Oh. yeah, that’s fine I guess. Just remember, dear. This piece can’t be wrinkled or worn in the rain. Or the sun for that matter. The fabric is picky.
Woman B: The fabric is picky?
Kate: Yeah. Like linen. You think the fabric is going to be fine, but then it tells you it’s actually allergic to the color red and you can’t wear it with your favorite purse.
Woman B: Are you joking?
Kate: I never joke about fashion. In fact, I’d like for you to sign a form promising that you won’t let the dress leave the house unless it’s Wendesday.
(Woman B gives a nervous laugh)
(Kate pulls out a document and hands it to her) (Woman B’s laughter fades as she reads it)
Woman B: Have you ever considered getting help?
Kate: What? Like an intern?
(Woman B gives a huff and storms away)
[cut to where Joy is straightening out the contents of one of the tables]
Joy: Hi! Are you looking for anything in particular?
Woman B: Your partner sucks at making a sale.
Joy: Oh, I’m sorry. Did she try and convince you to buy the plaid skirt and sequin top together? Because I told her that she was the only one who saw the vision of that outfit-
Woman B: She refused to sell me a perfectly good piece unless I signed a form. I thought she was kidding, but apparently not. She should never work in customer service.
(she storms off without another word)
(Joy frowns, turning to look where Kate was, smoothing out the dress Woman B had been looking at)
[we cut to over the shoulder shot of Kate, watching Joy approach]
Joy: Hey, I think the bit went too far. That perfectly good stranger just left with some major frustrations.
(Kate doesn’t reply, she just stares at the dress)
Joy: Kate? You good?
Kate: Peachy.
Joy: You hate peaches and using fruit words to mean anything other than the fruit itself.
(Kate sighs)
Kate: I was going to wear this to the afterparty.
Joy: The afterparty?
(Kate nods, sniffling)
Kate: For the play.
Joy: Oh. The one you were going to write.
Kate: I wanted to save it for something special and I told myself it would be the afterparty for opening night of my play. Then I never wrote it.
(she turns observes the yard)
Kate: A lot of these things I bought for things I never did. Shirts for hobbies I never took up, skirts for dates I never went on, and dresses for things I never accomplished. It’s just… depressing.
Joy: Getting rid of the clothes doesn’t mean you’re giving up on those things. It just means you’re finding a new way to approach them.
(Kate nods)
Kate: It means I won’t die in a clothing avalanche.
Joy: Exactly! Your survival is dependent on getting rid of these clothes!
(Kate side-eyes her)
Kate: Do you have your eyes on another piece of my wardrobe?
(Joy gives a puppy dog look)
Joy: The pink beanie. It’s the perfect size for my head and they discontinued them!
Kate: (laughing) You do get a big head when it gets cold.
Joy: (nodding) It deserves to be hidden from the world. But if the beanie reminds you of the time you wanted to go skiing but couldn’t because it never snows here, I’d like to know before I take it. I’d hate to inherit the bad luck your clothes seem to have.
Kate: The beanie’s all yours and bad luck free, I promise. Although, it’s scared of thunderstorms, so make sure you strap it on or something if you wear it out in a storm.
Joy: You’re bananas.
Kate: Hey! Fruit words refer to fruit only!
Joy: My bad. Do you want to keep selling these or pack them up for GoodWill?
Kate: And let them smell funky? No thank you. If people get any funky smells with these clothes, I want it to be my funky smells.
Joy: Your funky smells and nutmeg.
Kate: “Kates Funky Smell, with nutmeg” would make a great candle. I could give them out as Christmas gifts!
Joy: I don’t think you have time for candle making when you’ve got a play to write.
Kate: Right. My three-hour sci-fi epic slash pirate romance.
Joy: (surprised) Oh, wow that sounds…. Great!
(Kate bursts out laughing)
Kate: I was totally kidding! Oh my gosh, you should see your face.
Joy: Thank heavens. Trust me, I had faith in your ability to write it. But the show I was picturing was insane.
Kate: What were you picturing?
[she looks to camera, zoom in]
Kate: What? I may need ideas for whatever I do end up writing.
[cut to Joy]
Joy: It wasn’t a plot or anything, just a strong visual of people in flowy shirts holding big plastic guns.
Kate: Weird. Reminds me of how Sam and I met.
Man B: (potentially off-screen) How much for this shirt?
Kate: Six bucks if you don’t mind the ink stain.
Man B: How about four dollars?
(Kate sighs and turns to Joy)
Kate: How am I supposed to fund my play with sales this low?
Joy: (shrugs) Maybe if you had better clothes.
Kate: I’m rethinking letting you have the beanie.
Joy: Too late! (she runs, grabs it off the table and bolts)
[cut back to Kate’s room] (Kate and Joy enter, each holding a box)
Joy: You sure you’re good to take these to GoodWill?
Kate: (putting down her box) Yeah, I just want to sort through what’s left and make sure I don’t have any regrets first.
Joy: Alright. (she places her box ontop of Kates) Remember, it’s okay to keep some of these as long as you don’t risk an avalanche. I’d like to keep you around a while longer.
Kate: What? You want to get more clothes from me?
Joy: It’s a symbiotic relationship.
Kate: Am I the anemone or the clownfish in this metaphor?
Joy: (heading out the door) Stop procrastinating. You have a play to write and hobbies to try!
Kate: Right. Bye and thank you!
(Kate closes the door) (she pauses, taking a deep breath and kneeling down to open one of the boxes)
(she pulls out the dress and stands)
[cut to closet shot]
(Kate grabs a hanger and puts the dress on it then hangs it up)
[cut to back shot] (Kate closes the door)
[wide shot] (Kate grabs her computer and sits on her bed)
[over the shoulder] (she opens a google doc and begins writing)
[cut to front shot] (we see her typing) (she looks up and addresses the camera)
Kate: Crap, I have zero ideas. This requires chocolate. Cut to end credits!
[we cut to end credits]
