Anecdotes Regarding Adalaide

“First Steps”

Everything’s tumbling down: the gravity is too strong.

My life is only misery; everything is going wrong.

What is the point in staying here? The earth is surely not mine.

And if there’s nothing for me… Would leaving be such a crime?

They watch me as I pass by, they whisper behind their hands.

I feel like I’m on eggshells; There’s no safe place to land.

The doors don’t open for me; No one wants to let me in.

They silently scream my crimes; I’m wallowing in my sin.

I’m hyperventilating. Why can’t my breathing just stop?

I wish that I was dying. There’s still ticking from my clock?

I wish I could be the sky, with frosted buttercream clouds.

I wish that I was pretty, that I’d fit in among crowds.

Like a wave in the olden days: pure, healthy, and beautiful.

Maybe a hidden flower; a surprising miracle.

If I was that, I could be loved. Not just live, I could survive.

But I’m stuck being me, wishing I could die or thrive.

I still see them every week. I need to have a blind eye.

One of them makes me feel hurt, the other one makes me cry.

I can’t seem to avoid them… Yet the chapter has ended.

They stalk me, page after page; Their stories are long-winded.

If they won’t leave my story, then maybe I should leave theirs.

I’ll tell the world of my deeds; To my anger, they’ll be heirs.

How can I leave their hatred? Could I really disappear?

Where could I ever be free? Where their anger won’t be near.

Would escaping force you out? Can I rid you from my head?

If I leave will I forget? Or will I need to be dead?

Flee to the mountains alone, go to the beach with strangers,

Try and replace all they took without all of the dangers.

Get out! Get out of my brain! I can’t heal an open wound.

I want you out of my world, I can’t forget too soon.

My hometown seems to hate me, Faraway shores call my name.

Every aspect needs a change, I cannot remain the same.

Get tan, add air to my lungs,  change my appearance all around.

Cut my hair, start to smile,  learn to enjoy the earth’s sounds.

Maybe the world could love me. Maybe I can have a place.

If I can become better when I disappear, no trace.

The future version of me, what would make her different?

A smile no one could break and a peace that can’t unring.

She’d draw other people in with a warmth and welcoming.

How hard could it be to change? I have a goal in my mind.

If I know my end result, the path can’t be hard to find.

If I want to have blue skies, I can’t force gray clouds to come.

I have to change my patterns—It’s easier said than done.

Change can’t only be wanted; healing isn’t overnight.

Blink of an eye won’t fix it, a day won’t make it alright.

Yet the yearning means there’s hope, hope that Time lets me forget.

There’s a lesson in my pain. Will they will have been worth it?

Past grey clouds are golden skies, past the storm is a rainbow,

Past a hurricane is peace, past the headache is a door closed.

The right door at the wrong time? It’s a wrong door overall.

They can want what’s best and fail; Ask me to jump, I just fall.

I should just listen to me or a voice sent from above

Not someone who stopped caring, or someone I couldn’t love.

And maybe my voice is sad, but the sadness will soon fade

And then something new will grow when all the old melt away.

I hope I can forget this, like they’ll forget about me,

That moving on won’t take years, that I’ll soon be free.

Envisioning my future, trying to plan for my best,

And make sure I’m okay: the first steps of my next quest.

“Love And Loneliness”

What is love without loneliness?

Love itself brings us sadness.

Love in its absence makes you feel empty.

Love at its peak becomes your everything.

During a honeymoon, you may look out past the balcony

And fathom your joined future as you gaze upon the city.

All the world could hold your eyes

But it’s your lover who’s on your mind.

Even when they’re absent your thoughts find them.

They roam about your head on any given whim.

Sometimes lovers leave and saddle you with grief

Or they change and make you wish they would leave.

But all those fresh emotions spawn from love.

If you let it go it won’t come back much like Noah’s dove.

So you ache in either grief or joy.

Love can fill your soul or leave a void.

It can give you sorrow or bliss.

Truly, you wouldn’t know love without loneliness.

For love becomes sweeter after a bitter taste

But it can also vanish without a trace

“Everything”

Everything comes crashing down in waves.

Waves crashing over me from the sea.

See the way they cover all?

All you know, want, and have.

Have you ever known a complete loss?

Loss of friends, loss of self.

Self-reflection gets you nowhere.

Where you want to go, you cannot be.

Be here with me in this second.

Second-guess nothing for a day.

Daylight will break and cover everything.

“Simple Little Loves”

When I was little, I tried capturing butterflies.

My net would catch them, their wings would break, and I’d cry.

My mother consoled me with a pastry and a drink

As I sat on the counter beside the kitchen sink.

Mama would bandage my wounded knees and warn of scars

And she was always there when my life felt hard.

Of course, I didn’t know how lucky I was

Back when I found joy in simple little loves.

Like catching butterflies, wishing on stars,

Going barefoot in the grass, and catching fireflies in jars.

My true loves: late-night reading and morning toast.

Seeing sunrises with Papa and weekend trips to the coast.

The philia’s: sweet summer air and the first fall of snow,

Dancing in the rain and sleeping in the mid-morning glow.

The storge: fresh-baked bread, the peeling paint on our cabinets,

The scent of citrus and vanilla, and the frog statue on our front steps.

All my simple little loves I didn’t realize I’d forgotten,

Left behind in my memories that now begin to soften.

Maybe I shall try and regain those simple little loves

And all of the beautiful things I once made myself of.